Should I Use The Setting for Sheep or Butterfly?

by Davidi

Our apartment is equipped with “European Style Appliances.”   “European Style” is code for “small.”  Our refrigerator, dishwasher, washing machine, dryer, water heater and even sink, are half the size of American models.  A dinner plate won’t fit in the dishwasher.  A milk carton won’t stand on a shelf in the refrigerator.  After a mere 26 loads of laundry, we’ve washed for the week.

We have adjusted to the size issues, but size isn’t the only thing that matters.  The controls are, of course, in Albanian, or in what appear to be ancient hieroglyphics.  (We have an idea of what the picture of the sheep’s head on the washing machine dial means, but the butterfly and flower petal still escape us.)  Reference to the Albanian language instruction manuals merely confuses the issue.

The most interesting controls are on the oven.  These include four knobs which, as the landlord confirmed, do nothing at all.  On the other side of the oven, there is a timer which has been flashing for the last seven months.  It comes with five buttons.  The landlord’s suggestion:  “I’d just ignore those.”   These challenges have really caused very few problems, as we can't read cooking instrutions in Albanian anyway.

The dishwasher, cleverly hidden within a small kitchen cabinet, has an equally clever delayed start timer --   so clever that the dishwasher can’t be started immediately.  Apparently, it takes at least an hour for the dishwasher to get in the mood to wash dishes. 

Our apartment is pleasant now that the air conditioner in the bedroom and the heater in the living room have been completely replaced.     As is common here, they may only be operated by remote control, so an extra supply of batteries is a must.   The master bath is often toasty warm, as the dryer vents into the bathroom, rather than outside.  The water heater for the master bath rarely runs out of hot water, but the water heater in the half bath never runs out.  It's never been used.  Why they need hot water in the toilet is beyond me.

90% of all phones in Albania are cell phones, but our home phone can't call cell phones because the phone companies don't get along.  Our American FM radios don't get most stations because they tune to odd numbers (92.5 or 98.1 etc), while the Albanian stations are on even numbered channels.

The only perfectly clear instructions we have are on the toilet.  A huge sticker containing an anatomically correct man demands that I sit down to pee.